feliz cumpleaños

Happy Birthday Mr. Vedder 

Christmastime

Home for the Holidays 

winter freeze

essay/exam/essay/exam

I wish I could go into hibernation until the spring thaw

me encanta español

Tomorrow is the final for my Spanish course and I am clearly blogging

instead of reviewing indirect object pronouns - last post, I swear

Most of the students in my class are taking Intensive Spanish for

a credit requirement or for an exchange to a spanish-speaking country.

I decided to take on a minor in Spanish because...

Manu Chao: My oh-so-european-and-knowledgeable-in-all-cool-music 

high school boyfriend introduced me to this reggae superstar.  

I needed to understand his clandestine lyrics. 

[Just about the one good thing that came out of that relationship, hehe]

Pedro Almodóvar: I studied this filmmaker and completely fell in love

with all things Pedro! I couldn't help but become infatuated with each of his films and all of his

wildly inappropriate characters.  

It's as if he's throwing all of our embedded conservative views

  back in our faces, I love it!

Pablo Neruda: I came across this particular anthology of Neruda's work 

when I was killing time before my shift at a restaurant.  The introduction on the first

page said something about how it was impossible to do Neruda justice in translating

his work, but this was the absolute best they could offer, without dishonoring Neruda's poetry. 

I loved the editor's honesty.

I have spent many sleepless nights with Viente Poemas de Amor 

I understand I'm grazing the bare minimum of what the Spanish language and

culture has to offer, but I am absolutely mesmerized!

yesterday, i saw the strangest thing

Yesterday it was time to deal with the recycling that was mounting in the kitchen - the cold weather and snow is definitely not the best incentive to be tidy.  Anyway, as I was sorting the trash outside, a monarch butterfly fluttered past me!

What was that silly thing doing in Ottawa in December? Shouldn't it be spreading its seed someplace in Mexico? The poor thing probably didn't get very far in this weather. It was quite odd, to say the least!

Butterfly exhibit on campus 

vagina fever

Last year I decided it was time to get more involved on campus and extend my academic social circle.  I auditioned for the university's production of The Vagina Monologues and landed amongst some of the most inspiring womyn I've ever met - I'm serious these were some of the baddest gals in town; intimidatingly cool, yet welcoming to everyone.  For months we went over our lines - but it was so much more than building on Eve Ensler's words, we were building lifelong friendships.

We shared our own hilarious, horror, and honest vagina stories. We came from an array of academic backgrounds; journalism, neuroscience, philosophy, and some undecided. These girls were so in-tune with themselves, their sexualities and their roles as strong women.  

I performed Beat, a monologue about male-to-female transgenders.  It was a heavy piece and I was worried I wouldn't be able to do the original cast's stories justice, but the four of us did an incredible job.  My mum travelled the five hours to support me in the performance and was moved by each of the powerful pieces. 

The 2012 Vagina Monologues are underway and I am looking forward to performing The Women Who Loved To Make Vaginas Happy - although I am dying of nervousness if my mum finds herself in the audience! 

If you have a minute, read-up on some of the Vagina Monologues! It's a great way to bring awareness to violence against women, while raising money to help build sexual assault centers and safe places for victims in developing countries.

Vagina cupcakes I made for the Monologue's bakesale

The bad gurls from Beat

My Vagina Warrior inspiration: Wayne Coyne

If my vagina could talk, it would say: Translate love into movement

... and finally, the surprise triple orgasm moan

waka waka waka, AR

In the middle of finishing final assignments and studying for exams, and all

I can think about are my summers better spent in overcrowded crowds; with

groovy music, my silly sister, heavy heat,

 and loving vibes

lollapalooza 2009

bonnaroo 2010

bonnaroo 2011

twenty-twelve... 

моя Україна

The kinder years.

rules of attraction; ellis writing

i took it with her and was exceptionally nervous when it started to hit me i could barely register what was happening so scared i clung to him for reassurance and help standing up he pulled me up from the ground my four inch heels scratching the dark wood of his floor don't leave me i begged i ripped my fur cuffs off it was too hot it was working i sipped water from a children's cup to keep me from chewing the insides of my cheek raw he took me outside for the cool air it will calm you down he promised i chattered in my leather and fur keeping my body turned into his all i could think was please don't die back in the house i kept two fingers on my pulse faster faster my heart was working furiously to pump the poison through me 

stop

it was too hot get these things off of me 

in the cab, we were all rolling with the tides i sat on my hands but kept wishing he would hold them we were driving too fast flashes of faces and fastfood on my cold window it was way too warm in the taxi on the leather seats the cold window felt nice i needed a cigarette my fur vest kept me warm i caught a glance of myself while waiting in line where had the blue in my eyes gone it was all black please don't die fuck the scale wasn't working how much had i taken

inside there would be music  and water my eyes were the one thing keeping me from getting inside she didn't know and the other one hadn’t taken enough

inside

i don't know how much money to give for what five dollars fifty dollars it was hard i made it through he told me to stick to her or had he said to stick with him i didn't want to upset him so i didn't ask 

dancing

it was going to be okay my nipples hardened as my bodysuit soaked with more sweat so much wetness everywhere i slapped my legs together so many kisses his breath was like a lion's lick on my hot neck she was drunk she was desperate songs and glasses of water were running right through me what time to go why was he leaving me he said he wouldn't leave my side the fat sweaty hands of too many men found their way to my naked spine get the fuck away from me why had he left me i was so happy why was i being mean dentyne kept me from screaming 

time to go

walking home it was below zero but i was toasted i shuffled down the street draped in my fur and dripping with sweat i wasn't going to die 

ladies where are you coming from a distinctively dark voice of the night asked we were surrounded by fat leather studs blocked my way the darker one was pulling something out of a bag stop dead in my tracks

two hours later

in bed with him we are both crying  my mouth is dry and tastes like pot i love you so much 

fresh start

I know I have alluded to me going through a darker period, and I did.  It will always be a battle to combat the curve balls life throws at you, sometimes it feels like I'm continually slugging through the shit.

It took me a while, but through the care, advice, and love from my friends I have started over.

- new apartment, new room mates, new beginning -

nyc

My impromptu trip to nyc can only be described by the one word that has defined the city, fabulous.  I sipped black coffee where Dylan and the Beats spat spoken words, I wore my best sundress to lounge in Central Park, I bought twenty dollar shots in the ever-so-pretentious meat packing district - and I grew even closer to one of my dearest friends.

She is such an incredible girl.  She is so unbelievably loving and caring to everyone who is lucky enough to be in her life.  At twenty years old, she is quite accomplished, yet carries with her the goofiest of jokes and the most genuine of smiles.  She has taught me to push myself towards my goals, even if they seem ridiculous, she will devise a plan for me to get there.

I had such an enjoyable time and I look forward to visiting her in the big city again - especially because she will be living there so very soon!

there's nothing you can't do

  I had this badass plan of writing off the terrible 2010-2011 school year and embarking on a journey across the states with a friend of a friend.  We had planned to jet off in May, but as May came, I realized how unrealistic the plan was.  Two girls with greyhound bus passes wasn't the kind of adventure I was looking for - if anything, it was a recipe for theft, danger, maybe even a kidnap [hah, this could be a plot for the next preteen thriller novel].  

What was I thinking?

Hmm, well I was thinking, or at least hoping for some sort of escape.  An escape from the worst months of my life.  The grey spell I was under kept me in some sort of paralysis, fuck, I could barely get out of bed some days.  The seduction of this trip was like a drug. 

I filled my head with scenes of camping in the canyons and sipping beers at the dive bars we would frequent in the midwest.  We would bounce from couch host to couch host and use up the lasts of my dwindling bank account.  

Yes, I was going to go on this Alexander Supertramp of a trip. 

But,

then it dawned on me, I had a failed course, a deceased friend, a laughable bank account, and a mess of a life;  I could not just run away from it all.  Oh, how I wish I was that renegade who could healthily sublimate everything and jet off with a backpack, but boy am I glad reality came knocking at my door. I was not Jack Kerouac and I was not ready to leave.

I stayed put for the summer.

I made new friendships, I reversed my academic transgressions, I danced in the Manchester hippie fest, I went to New York City for the first time, and

I fell in love.

 Sometimes we have to put our fantastical dreams on hold to take a breath and to let ourselves heal. 

The canyons will be there for me when I'm ready, and it will be nothing short of a sublime moment of peace and happiness.

slow dancing at pearl jam

a drunken haze of kisses and vedder's raspy words

- the one who brought me back to life - 

cinq

five good things about today:

1.  The sun was warm in the dining room over breakfast.
2.  I went for a walk on the snow-covered beach
3.  I ripped up the letter and said it in person
4.  I got paint in my hair
5.  "Love my little daughter, but don't always know how to show it when you're bad" - text from dad

thirty paws down my spine

A collection of compliments I’ve received from an array of homeless, sexy, drunk, foreign, strange, and incredible men

“I wasn’t interested in you, until I found out you were crazy” - Sometimes I wonder if this boy can read my thoughts

“I dig your style and you” - The jerk off I walked in on, naked, with my friend

[Note: this one wasn’t meant to be a compliment]

“You’re wildly inappropriate” - An American who was uncomfortable with skin

“It’s unusual that a girl of your caliber can hold a conversation” - A theatre actor who had the same intimate relationship with Neruda

“I was like you when I was young.  I smiled and breathed life.  Then I did too much acid; I fucked it up.  Please, don’t fuck it up, for the both of us.” - The homeless musician who sang for me on Friday nights

“If you don’t become my wife, can we be the best of friends?” - The Brazilian who proposed on the first night and wrote for me

“Jillian, you understand the fucking darkside” - The one I travelled back to 1973 with

“If It happens like that, it usually never works out. I was afraid of that. I felt that we made a real connection. I really wish I wasn't the only one or I would feel ridiculous. I feel so different when I think about you, more than anyone I’ve ever known. I really didn't want you to leave, but knew it wouldn't happen.” - The screenwriter 

“You don’t understand how lucky you are to have white skin” - Sharing a joint with the Brazilian rock star

“Jillian, your mind is so sexy, it overrides your hair colour” - The man who told me he didn’t like blondes, but continued to go slow

“One day people will just look at us and we’ll be speaking made up words and laughing.  I did have this strange thought while reading.  I grabbed your hand in a hotel hallway, like I was going to show you something.  I was leading the way, but I didn’t know where I was taking you. You asked me what I saw.  I looked at you and said, ‘colours, splashing out’.”  - The one who has my mind and heart splattered across the wall

todo sobre mi viernes por la noche

- they want my kisses - 

you want a kiss from me

i drink your beer

have some beer

kiss me now

kinky town

round by round.

walking on the wild side

everything he touches turns to gold

blanket of snow

hush

-for me and you-

under the covers, hands

discover, what is lost in the

aching signs. trembling lips and

knowing fingertips, only to stroke

the silky bristle and that 

of your heart.