there's nothing you can't do

  I had this badass plan of writing off the terrible 2010-2011 school year and embarking on a journey across the states with a friend of a friend.  We had planned to jet off in May, but as May came, I realized how unrealistic the plan was.  Two girls with greyhound bus passes wasn't the kind of adventure I was looking for - if anything, it was a recipe for theft, danger, maybe even a kidnap [hah, this could be a plot for the next preteen thriller novel].  

What was I thinking?

Hmm, well I was thinking, or at least hoping for some sort of escape.  An escape from the worst months of my life.  The grey spell I was under kept me in some sort of paralysis, fuck, I could barely get out of bed some days.  The seduction of this trip was like a drug. 

I filled my head with scenes of camping in the canyons and sipping beers at the dive bars we would frequent in the midwest.  We would bounce from couch host to couch host and use up the lasts of my dwindling bank account.  

Yes, I was going to go on this Alexander Supertramp of a trip. 

But,

then it dawned on me, I had a failed course, a deceased friend, a laughable bank account, and a mess of a life;  I could not just run away from it all.  Oh, how I wish I was that renegade who could healthily sublimate everything and jet off with a backpack, but boy am I glad reality came knocking at my door. I was not Jack Kerouac and I was not ready to leave.

I stayed put for the summer.

I made new friendships, I reversed my academic transgressions, I danced in the Manchester hippie fest, I went to New York City for the first time, and

I fell in love.

 Sometimes we have to put our fantastical dreams on hold to take a breath and to let ourselves heal. 

The canyons will be there for me when I'm ready, and it will be nothing short of a sublime moment of peace and happiness.

slow dancing at pearl jam

a drunken haze of kisses and vedder's raspy words

- the one who brought me back to life - 

cinq

five good things about today:

1.  The sun was warm in the dining room over breakfast.
2.  I went for a walk on the snow-covered beach
3.  I ripped up the letter and said it in person
4.  I got paint in my hair
5.  "Love my little daughter, but don't always know how to show it when you're bad" - text from dad

thirty paws down my spine

A collection of compliments I’ve received from an array of homeless, sexy, drunk, foreign, strange, and incredible men

“I wasn’t interested in you, until I found out you were crazy” - Sometimes I wonder if this boy can read my thoughts

“I dig your style and you” - The jerk off I walked in on, naked, with my friend

[Note: this one wasn’t meant to be a compliment]

“You’re wildly inappropriate” - An American who was uncomfortable with skin

“It’s unusual that a girl of your caliber can hold a conversation” - A theatre actor who had the same intimate relationship with Neruda

“I was like you when I was young.  I smiled and breathed life.  Then I did too much acid; I fucked it up.  Please, don’t fuck it up, for the both of us.” - The homeless musician who sang for me on Friday nights

“If you don’t become my wife, can we be the best of friends?” - The Brazilian who proposed on the first night and wrote for me

“Jillian, you understand the fucking darkside” - The one I travelled back to 1973 with

“If It happens like that, it usually never works out. I was afraid of that. I felt that we made a real connection. I really wish I wasn't the only one or I would feel ridiculous. I feel so different when I think about you, more than anyone I’ve ever known. I really didn't want you to leave, but knew it wouldn't happen.” - The screenwriter 

“You don’t understand how lucky you are to have white skin” - Sharing a joint with the Brazilian rock star

“Jillian, your mind is so sexy, it overrides your hair colour” - The man who told me he didn’t like blondes, but continued to go slow

“One day people will just look at us and we’ll be speaking made up words and laughing.  I did have this strange thought while reading.  I grabbed your hand in a hotel hallway, like I was going to show you something.  I was leading the way, but I didn’t know where I was taking you. You asked me what I saw.  I looked at you and said, ‘colours, splashing out’.”  - The one who has my mind and heart splattered across the wall

todo sobre mi viernes por la noche

- they want my kisses - 

you want a kiss from me

i drink your beer

have some beer

kiss me now

kinky town

round by round.

walking on the wild side

everything he touches turns to gold

blanket of snow

hush

-for me and you-

under the covers, hands

discover, what is lost in the

aching signs. trembling lips and

knowing fingertips, only to stroke

the silky bristle and that 

of your heart.