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The kinder years.

rules of attraction; ellis writing

i took it with her and was exceptionally nervous when it started to hit me i could barely register what was happening so scared i clung to him for reassurance and help standing up he pulled me up from the ground my four inch heels scratching the dark wood of his floor don't leave me i begged i ripped my fur cuffs off it was too hot it was working i sipped water from a children's cup to keep me from chewing the insides of my cheek raw he took me outside for the cool air it will calm you down he promised i chattered in my leather and fur keeping my body turned into his all i could think was please don't die back in the house i kept two fingers on my pulse faster faster my heart was working furiously to pump the poison through me 

stop

it was too hot get these things off of me 

in the cab, we were all rolling with the tides i sat on my hands but kept wishing he would hold them we were driving too fast flashes of faces and fastfood on my cold window it was way too warm in the taxi on the leather seats the cold window felt nice i needed a cigarette my fur vest kept me warm i caught a glance of myself while waiting in line where had the blue in my eyes gone it was all black please don't die fuck the scale wasn't working how much had i taken

inside there would be music  and water my eyes were the one thing keeping me from getting inside she didn't know and the other one hadn’t taken enough

inside

i don't know how much money to give for what five dollars fifty dollars it was hard i made it through he told me to stick to her or had he said to stick with him i didn't want to upset him so i didn't ask 

dancing

it was going to be okay my nipples hardened as my bodysuit soaked with more sweat so much wetness everywhere i slapped my legs together so many kisses his breath was like a lion's lick on my hot neck she was drunk she was desperate songs and glasses of water were running right through me what time to go why was he leaving me he said he wouldn't leave my side the fat sweaty hands of too many men found their way to my naked spine get the fuck away from me why had he left me i was so happy why was i being mean dentyne kept me from screaming 

time to go

walking home it was below zero but i was toasted i shuffled down the street draped in my fur and dripping with sweat i wasn't going to die 

ladies where are you coming from a distinctively dark voice of the night asked we were surrounded by fat leather studs blocked my way the darker one was pulling something out of a bag stop dead in my tracks

two hours later

in bed with him we are both crying  my mouth is dry and tastes like pot i love you so much 

fresh start

I know I have alluded to me going through a darker period, and I did.  It will always be a battle to combat the curve balls life throws at you, sometimes it feels like I'm continually slugging through the shit.

It took me a while, but through the care, advice, and love from my friends I have started over.

- new apartment, new room mates, new beginning -

nyc

My impromptu trip to nyc can only be described by the one word that has defined the city, fabulous.  I sipped black coffee where Dylan and the Beats spat spoken words, I wore my best sundress to lounge in Central Park, I bought twenty dollar shots in the ever-so-pretentious meat packing district - and I grew even closer to one of my dearest friends.

She is such an incredible girl.  She is so unbelievably loving and caring to everyone who is lucky enough to be in her life.  At twenty years old, she is quite accomplished, yet carries with her the goofiest of jokes and the most genuine of smiles.  She has taught me to push myself towards my goals, even if they seem ridiculous, she will devise a plan for me to get there.

I had such an enjoyable time and I look forward to visiting her in the big city again - especially because she will be living there so very soon!

there's nothing you can't do

  I had this badass plan of writing off the terrible 2010-2011 school year and embarking on a journey across the states with a friend of a friend.  We had planned to jet off in May, but as May came, I realized how unrealistic the plan was.  Two girls with greyhound bus passes wasn't the kind of adventure I was looking for - if anything, it was a recipe for theft, danger, maybe even a kidnap [hah, this could be a plot for the next preteen thriller novel].  

What was I thinking?

Hmm, well I was thinking, or at least hoping for some sort of escape.  An escape from the worst months of my life.  The grey spell I was under kept me in some sort of paralysis, fuck, I could barely get out of bed some days.  The seduction of this trip was like a drug. 

I filled my head with scenes of camping in the canyons and sipping beers at the dive bars we would frequent in the midwest.  We would bounce from couch host to couch host and use up the lasts of my dwindling bank account.  

Yes, I was going to go on this Alexander Supertramp of a trip. 

But,

then it dawned on me, I had a failed course, a deceased friend, a laughable bank account, and a mess of a life;  I could not just run away from it all.  Oh, how I wish I was that renegade who could healthily sublimate everything and jet off with a backpack, but boy am I glad reality came knocking at my door. I was not Jack Kerouac and I was not ready to leave.

I stayed put for the summer.

I made new friendships, I reversed my academic transgressions, I danced in the Manchester hippie fest, I went to New York City for the first time, and

I fell in love.

 Sometimes we have to put our fantastical dreams on hold to take a breath and to let ourselves heal. 

The canyons will be there for me when I'm ready, and it will be nothing short of a sublime moment of peace and happiness.

slow dancing at pearl jam

a drunken haze of kisses and vedder's raspy words

- the one who brought me back to life -